So how do we address the programming? More specifically, how can we defeat the therapy-interfering programming so that we have the chance to do the other work we want to do?
Just to be clear (again) – I am not defining therapeutic methods here. I am just elaborating, from the survivor’s side, on some things to look for and some places to focus. Also, just to be clear, this is not “entry-level therapy.” Reliable and consistent internal communication and cooperation must be established before even considering this kind of work.
So – let’s assume, for the sake of the rest of this series, that we each have a therapist with whom we really “click,” someone who is capable of working through this with us and (maybe more importantly) someone with whom we really want it to be successful – a therapist we’d actually regret losing or driving away. Then what?
One main thing to be aware of is, that addressing programming involves stretching ourselves in ways that are unfamiliar and extremely uncomfortable – and one of the most immediate and obvious sources of discomfort in therapy is that we need to talk. A lot.
I’m sure I’m not the only DID survivor who finds talking to be extremely challenging even under the best of circumstances. After thirty years of don’t-talk programming, forcing words out of my mouth can have the same feeling of fatalistic resignation as jumping off a cliff to avoid being eaten by a lion. The lion would be worse, but I’m going to be dead either way.
So I’m not unaware of the difficulty, but I am emphasizing that forcing ourselves to talk anyway is not without purpose or value.
First, because a therapist cannot be expected to help us with problems that we don’t mention or don’t fully explain. If we give no information, or if we provide only half the information we could give them, then we can’t blame them if their suggestions and interventions aren’t effective or helpful, because we’re the ones who tied their hands.
Second, because therapy-specific programming works best when it is left unexamined, unanalyzed, and unchallenged. The thoughts, fears, and suspicions make far more sense when they’re building on themselves in the darkness of our minds than they ever will if we expose them to the light of day and try to examine them rationally. In fact, some programming can and will fall apart that easily (although most of it will not).
The more we can force ourselves to explain and discuss, the more we are helping ourselves.
When enough of the groundwork has been laid with a therapist that you are ready to mention programming, and enough internal communication and cooperation has been developed to provide a foundation for the heavier work, the subject of therapy-specific programming should be one of the first types of programming discussed. This is primarily because discussing any other type of programming is likely set off the therapy-interfering programming anyway, so you won’t get very far with anything else until the therapy interference is addressed first.
Preparatory to this, it helps to review any previous therapy experiences from the perspective of where programming might have been influencing your thoughts or actions. This can provide you with a rough map of sorts, a way to anticipate where and how at least some of the problems might occur.
It can also be considered the first test of your commitment to the process and your willingness to accept what it shows you – because looking at past actions and behaviors from a new perspective can recast them in a light that is unflattering, to say the least. At the same time, however, before something can be changed, we need the humility to be able to admit where things are wrong – which goes hand-in-hand with the ability to see where things have gone wrong, and why.
It has worked best for me to start at the end of a therapy relationship (since that has always been a point where problems were obvious) and work back.
Look for times when retrospect indicates that your reaction was excessive to the situation, and check in with yourself in the current day to see whether that excessive emotion is still smoldering. Emotions that remain ready to jump alive at full strength, no different from when they were new and relevant, can indicate programming influence. By carefully analyzing the details of the situations where this is true for you, you can identify the specific ideas, thought patterns, and behavioral urges that define the programming.
Look for arguments that began and then could not be resolved by anything the therapist said or did, and get feedback about this from your current therapist. Was the old therapist truly doing something “wrong”, or was it your perceptions which were skewed? Look also for circular or repetitive arguments, where you brought up the same issues week after week after week. Unresolvable arguments also tend to indicate programming influence.
What subjects make the don’t-talk urges stronger?
What subjects provoke self-injurious or suicidal urges?
What skills do you currently have to manage those urges? What new plans might help to counter or contain them?
Working backwards, can you identify any specific event or chain of events which caused your opinion of your therapist to undergo a dramatic change?
Can you detect any ways in which that change was underway even before the obvious events occurred? (That is, can you find any evidence that your reaction was actually just a “reaction waiting to happen”?)
Can you identify any negative thought patterns that are typical for you? What are they? What triggers them?
Analyze each event as minutely as possible for clues as to what was happening in your world and among your alters. Talk to each other about how your reactions were similar and how they differed. Some programming affects certain alters more than others. The more detailed and complete you can be, the more this can help to identify and highlight the programmed patterns in your behavior.
If you are not initially able to do all of this on your own, your therapist should be able to help you analyze past situations – but again, it will take honesty on your part to present the information with as little bias, exaggeration, or spin as possible – and it will take humility both to hear how a situation is assessed and to accept the assessment without taking it as a personal insult or put-down. Truth hurts, as the old adage goes, and never more than when it sheds a harsh light on our own behaviors and reactions. However – the pain is survivable, the embarrassment is survivable, and we have to accept the truth as it stands before we can really change anything.
Or, to phrase that another way, if we don’t want to hear the truth, if we refuse to tolerate even the first step toward real change – then maybe we need to revise our therapeutic goals downward to something more in keeping with what we’re willing to do.
The truth of our lives is already ugly. We aren’t making the truth uglier by seeing it and accepting it – it still looks just as ugly whether we look at it or not. But if we refuse to look at it or acknowledge it or talk about it or accept it, then we don’t really want to heal it or change it. And that’s pretty much the long and short of that.
Assuming, however, that our desire for change is genuine and strong… then, if we value the therapeutic relationship we have, we need to take steps to protect it from ourselves, so that we don’t sabotage our own chances for healing. We need to be alert, as therapy proceeds, for clues that might indicate that programming is at work. Therapy-specific programming tends to become obvious once you know what to look for.
…and this is already getting long, so the rest will be another post.
